Sephy Clause
by FFlove190
Summary: Zack tries to get Seph on the Christmas spirit, but this is a little far... parody The Santa Clause [On hold until July]
1. Getting in the Christmas Spirit

**A/N:** Welcome to my first A) Holiday themed and B) parody fic. Wow... I feel so special! Anyway, yes. This is slightly, somewhat... a lot different than The Santa Clause, but yeah. It's still the original idea. Hope ya' have fun!

**Disclaimer:** Do not own any characters mentioned in Final Fantasy VII, Squaresoft does, nor do I own The Santas Clause, I'm not sure who does though. )Shrugs(

**Rating: **Better safe then sorry, I could think of now better description words for some of the dialogue, but it should do.

**A/N: **Also, I rewound the movie to re-watch certain parts, such as the part after the parents presented and Neal, the mom (still don't know what her name), and Scott are called into the office. Yeah, some reference to that. But... yeah... just had to say that....

Ch. 1 Get in the spirit

The Christmas party was a huge success, even the famous general of the ShinRa army made an appearance. Well, maybe it wasn't that big of a hit, but somewhat of a hit. Everyone wore Santa hats as President ShinRa made his long and boring speech to all of his employees, making special emphasis on Scarlet's new breasts. Many laughed at his joke, but as usual, the general just stood blank faced. But, a Santa hat was now on his head, what a drastic change! Anyway, as the party tolled on, the Almighty General Sephiroth walked briskly out, ignoring the shouts of protest from his stalker, Scarlet (0.o how surprising!).

Soon, Sephy was driving down the road, there was absolutely no traffic, which was rather odd at this time of year, and answering his cell phone. Wouldn't ya' know it? It was his good friend Zack, the sub-general of the ShinRa army!

"Hi, Seph!" he cried cheerily, obviously bouncing up and down on the couch. "How was the party?"

"Alright." he replied, somewhat aggravated by Zack's eagerness that forced him out of the door and to said Christmas party.

"Oh." Zack said, disappointed. "Well... did you get drunk?" Sephy had to glare at the phone.

"You're not that big of an idiot, are you Zachary?" Sephy was somewhat surprised at his wording, but he could loosen up slightly around Zack.

"Of course I am, Seph! You already knew that!" Zack could be heard opening and then closing a door. Then there was a crash. "FUCK!" he screamed

"Zack?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow, as though it would somehow help (it does in the world of me, though).

"I've locked myself outside..." Sephy rolled his eyes. "... and I'm in my underwear... you better hurry home, Seph. It's fucking freezing out here!"

"I'll be there in a moment." he quickly nodded to himself, and shut off the phone. Suddenly, as if by magic, there was a load of traffic, and it seemed to take hours to get to Zack. But, he could call his friend back and listen to him complain, all while laughing evilly, or he could take the open lane to the right. Hmm... so hard of choices. So, he decided to wait it out, believing he could make it just a Zack froze into an ice scupture.

(_1 hour later..._)

A green jeep pulled up to the house that Seph and Zack shared the rent with, and a tall figure walked out, silver hair billowing slightly behind him. Soon, this wonderful man was greeted by another man wearing only checkered boxers. Of course a smirk crossed along the tall man's normally stoic features, I mean... come one. Wouldn't you laugh at your friend if they were stuck outside for a few hours with only boxers. Heh... that would be hilarious. The shorter man pouted, and quickly followed as his superior opened the door.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, after letting Zack in and closing the door. (Wow, he sounds like a dog when put that way). "There was a lot of traffic."

"Okay." Zack said, shrugging off icicles from the recent freezing rain. "Wanna share a bowl of sugar now?" Sephy stared at him.

"No." he said, glowering slightly.

"How 'bout having some shots of brown liquor?" Sephiroth stared blankly at him. "Un... play with your shotguns?... wait... we don't have shotguns... how 'bout field dressing a cat!?" Sephy continued to stare blankly at his friend-slash-ally-thing. "Oh, I know! Could you read me a book?!" Sephy quirked an eyebrow. "WHAT?!"

"Aren't you a bit old for that?" he pointed out, actually pointing to the book in his hands.

"Not for _Hollywood Wives_!" the silver-haired general continued to stare. "Fine," he mumbled, throwing the book over his shoulder, where it hit some for of breakable object (which shattered). "You can read my _the Night Before Christmas_." He then pulled a book up from the couch and held it out to Sephy.

"Zack..." Sephiroth sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Aww.... come on, Seph! It's Christmas Eve, God knows you need the Christmas spirit!" the general looked to the floor, sighing in defeat.

"Fine..." he no more than mumbled.

"YAY!" Zack cried, jumping up and down. "But you have to make turkey first... and then burn it!" Sephy ran a hand through his hair.

"Fine..." anything to get Zack off of his back.

"Did you get anyone in the office a Christmas present yet?" Sephy, whom had somehow placed his head in his hands, jerked his hands away and glared at him.

"What are you planning?" he said, taking a step forward to look thoughrouly into Zack's mind.

"To be Santa!" he cried, causing the general to fall back onto the floor.

"What. Are . You. Talking. About." he said, very, very, very, slowly.

"It's easy! All we have to do, is give presents to every ShinRa employee in Midgar!" Sephiroth just simply stared.

"You must be more insane than me." he said, nodding his head to assure himself that something was obviously wrong.

"But first! We make TURKEY!!!!" Zack now jumped toward the kitchen like a rabbit.

"What is going on here," Sephy asked himself, standing upright and brushing himself off. He had a horribly feeling about this, and didn't want it to be true.

**A/N: **TT.TT I feel so bad for Sephy, but I have to do it! It came to me! Hehehe. As you can somewhat tell, Zack is taking the form of Charlie... somewhat. I'll figure out the other parts as the chappies progress... I gots an idear too! Well...review if you would like to see more. REVIEW-NESS are whatthis story needs to SURVIVE!!!!


	2. To the restaurant

**A/N: **0.o... people like it... how random... anyway... ahem...

**Kikyo's Killer: **You're right... )rating suddenly different( That was a bad idea.... just like normal n.n

**Kato Shingestu:** I'm tempted to let you stab Cloud... but I want to continue this story... and... )ponders( how would that work out... )pulls out notebook( Hmm... yes.... indeed... )nods( I'll make more notes of it!

**KT:** Oh, isn't it the perfect way to begin a story?

**SquirrelMoose Cometh: **Wow... yet another person has Zack in their mind... that brings the total that I know of to... a total of three. Zack... you should feel loved...

Zack: I do! )Gazes lovingly at SquirrelMoose(

FF: )shudders( That's just wrong... )shudders again(

**Videl Warrior Princess: **Yes... I see... )nods( I believe you like this fic... I mean.. )coughs( yeah... I'll update... and if you're reading this, I obviously have.

**Disclaimer: **)huggles invisible Sephy plushie( No... still don't own it.. But I will soon own myself a plushie... nor do I own Denny's...

**Another A/N: **This isn't very parody-like... )shrugs( Oh, well... probably won't even be finished by Christmas...

Ch. 2 To the restaurant!

In a white apron, leather, and cooking gloves, the great general stood in the kitchen, looking over a recipe. Of course, Zack had seen him like this the last time he was somewhat 'forced' into cooking something for the duo, which was on a weekly basis. But... this time... he couldn't control his laughter, and was sprawled on the floor, laughing until he couldn't breath... then he would start again, but only after a glimpse of the Super General Sephy.

"Zachary..." he mumbled, eye twitching slightly. "Would you stop laughing, it's distracting me..." Zack suddenly stopped laughing and gave a pleading look at him.

"But..." Zack pouted, crawling on just his knees over to his friend. "I don't wanna..." he then grabbed Seph's apron and looked into the intense glowing eyes that stared down upon him. "I really don't wanna... Mommy..."

"That's it!" Sephiroth growled, kicking Zack away from him. "I refuse to cook!" he threw off the apron and it landed on the idiot's head. "So you can cook yourself!" he then threw off the cooking gloves, which slapped Zack. Then there was silence for a moment, but Zack kind of broke it.

"Oh, that's alright. We were gunna go to Denny's anyway..." the Colonel quickly stood, an idiotic grin plastered across his face, and walked briskly to the coat rack. So, of course he didn't see Sephiroth nearly ripping his hair out. After grabbing a leather coat and a really puffy one, he walked out the door. "Come on, Seph!" he called, while the General, groaned and forced himself outside.

(_Later... at Denny's..._)

Sephy sunk down into the passenger seat as Zack skidded to a halt before the glass doors of the eating establishment called Denny's. So far, the driver, now known as killer Zack, had hit three cats, a stray dog, and a little old lady crossing the street. Oh, this was going to be a long dinner...

Stepping out, the black-haired man ran over to the passenger side and practically pulled open the door. Then, he grabbed the much taller man and forced him out. Then, stood behind him and pushed the silver-haired General through the doors. Uopn entering, they noticed a large group of girls, taking up most of the tables, speaking in Japanese. Sephy quirked an eyebrow as a waitress with a white shirt, red skirt, green apron, and a name tag that read: Judy, walked forward.

"Sre you with Fangirl Mob?" (Sorry, couldn't resist) she asked, somewhat breathless.

"No." Zack said stepping out from behind the Almighty General. The two of whom, no one seemed to notice... as of yet. "...he burnt the turkey..." Zack continued, pointed to Seph.

"We didn't even make turkey." he replied, glaring at the man.

"Oh, yeah. This way. Come on." she mumbled somewhat, pulling out a pad from her pocket and leading them to a room past all of the rabid fangirls. "Right over there." she motioned to a table.

"Thank you!" Zack said happily, taking off his coat and pulling out his chair. Sephy, on the other hand, stood for a moment, then sat, peeling off his coat while doing so. There were multiple other people around, which Zack noticed, whom had children. He looked to the right and saw a man and his son eating pancakes, or something like that. "Burn the turkey?" he asked, tilting his head. The man then lifted his right hand, which was covered in a bandage, smiled slightly, and nodded. Zack just smiled idiotical and turned his attention to the waitress that stood by him.

"Coffee?" she asked, pen poised over her notepad.

"No thanks..." he looked toward her name tag and squinted slightly. "...Judy..." he chuckled slightly. "Let's get some eggnog!"

"We're out," she said, grimacing slightly, for some unknown reason... maybe it was 'cause of Zack's slight twitch.

"Coffee... caffeinated..." Zack replied after a short hesitation.

"Same for me..." Sephy mumbled quietly.

"Alright." she said, nodding and starting to walk away.

"At least we know we can get some hot apple pie!" Zack said, leaning forward to emphasize his meaning to the man.

"Not anymore." Judy replied, raising her voice slightly so they could hear.

"Sure!" Zack called out, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

"Zachary..." Sephiroth muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Let's go.." he stood and grabbed his coat, putting it on in a milisecond.

"Seph!" Zack cried in protest. "Come on!" he dived for the larger man's ankles. Twitching, Sephy walked out of the room and headed for the front door of the establishment. Zack stood up at this point. "Fine... just let me get my coat..." Zakc then walked back to the other room where their table was placed. At this point, Sephy noticed a few too many eyes upon him.

"Isn't that the general...?" one of them said, suddenly speaking in English. Then there were more eyes on him. At this point, Zack walked back in.

"Uh..." he looked from the Fangirls to SEphy. "Why are all these people looking at you, Seph?" at this point, there were gasps, and then the upturning of table.

"Zachary, run!" Sephy said, bolting for the door, Zack close behind.

"SEPHY!" they all cried from behind him (Seph could've sworn that he heard Scarlet's voice in there), hearts in place where there eyes were.

Soon, the two were outside, in their jeep actually, and starting it up. The wave of girls came, just as the jeep's engine ignited and the general's drove down the road to their house, Sephy at the wheel.

"Now!" Sephy looked away from his driving for a moment to give Zack a strange look. "You get to read me a story." SEphy sweat-dropped. Yep... this was going to be an extremely long night.

**A/N: **Yeah... man... these chappies are extremely short... I mean... yeah.... Let's go with that... I believe this will not be finished before x-mas... but.... it'll still live... and I'll still be writing it... only if you people review, though...


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